One in four would like to clarify that any quotes used were used with EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION from the source. No privacy was violated in an attempt to spread awareness here. Thank you.
As someone who has decided to dedicate her time and energy to raising awareness about the drastic need for reform in this country when it comes to domestic violence, I spend a lot of my time on social media in groups that are dedicated to victims. These groups are full of men and women in various but similar situations. Each one of them has lived with or bonded with their abuser. Each one of us has known what it is like to lose yourself to another person. We share a common bond, a shared knowledge of what it is to feel so isolated, so alone, and so dependent on someone who places no value on you as a person.
Some of us are survivors, warriors, there to help others and share their story and offer advice. It seems that when a person lives through such a trauma, it is not uncommon for them to want to reach out to those in similar situations.
Some are still living their hell. Some have nowhere to go except this group of people who know exactly how they feel. The posts these people share knowing there will be nothing but understanding and acceptance are eye opening. Not for their content, I expect to see these questions and comments. I know where these people are coming from. I understand. We all do. They are eye opening for the fact that these people are so willing to share at all.
That's my point. Within this group, we all understand. There is an environment of awareness and acceptance. These people share things that they otherwise never would. The questions they ask and observations they make are raw, and real, and should be shared with the world. What we need, is an environment of acceptance outside of these groups. These people should feel just as comfortable asking these questions and sharing these thoughts with friends and family as they are with complete strangers on social media.
So why is that? Why is it that these people who need help so much, only really ask for it from strangers? Why is it these victims are so hesitant to reach out to friends and family? What is it about this environment that encourages open conversation and honesty that we are lacking in society in general? If we can take lessons from this observation, if we can apply what is happening in this environment to how we think as a society, could we possibly change the face of domestic violence in our country?
I think so.
I want to share some of what gets said within these groups. I want to show you what happens when victims know they will be supported. I have gathered some direct quotes from victims asking for help and advice, sharing their inner thoughts and feelings, and participating in open and honest conversation about their situations. I want to show you what happens when a person who needs help knows that they will not be judged for asking for it. Then, I want to talk about what would happen if that was not just how things were in an isolated pocket of social media, but if it were how things were in general.
Is It Me
"Anyone ever think . . . what did I do so wrong for someone to treat me like this? or sometimes I think what did I do to him to make him hate me so much . . ."
This one really hit me when I saw it. I mean, I think every single person in the particular group this came from has had this thought at one time or another. Let's really look at it, though. What do her questions really ask?
"What did I do?"
It's the common thread among so many of our questions. That we focus them on ourselves. There is nothing wrong with looking at ourselves to figure out what we need to do to change our situation. There is something very wrong with looking at ourselves to explain someone else's behavior. So why do we do it? Why do we find it easier to believe that we are the reason someone else does the things they do, than it is to believe they are the reason for their actions, and we are not responsible for them?
What is not commonly known, is that victims inherently look to themselves for blame. It is what they are trained to do. By the time a person is asking themselves what they did to deserve someone else's behavior, the gas-lighting and emotional abuse has been going on long enough to change how the victim thinks. A common trait for abusers is an inability to accept blame or accountability for their actions. If they were to do this, they would have to change. And that is not on their agenda. In order to stay in denial of their issues, they deflect blame at all costs. Being the target of someones abuse makes you the person most often blamed for anything that goes wrong in that persons life. There are no limits to what you will suddenly be responsible for. Loss of a job can be caused by the fact that you did something that day to upset them, causing them to be unable to focus, or causing them to snap on a coworker. If they have an accident or get pulled over, it is because you were distracting them. If they lose something, it is because clearly you have touched it and lost it on them. If you find something to be upset with them about, it is your own fault for finding out in the first place. It goes on, and on, and on, and on. Until suddenly, it is second nature for you to look to yourself for blame. Studies have shown that repetition causes someone to start to believe the things they are hearing, and that people are more likely to believe something is true that they have heard in the past (Affirmations, 2018). The longer someone is with their abuser, the more it has been programmed into their thinking that they are largely at fault for the things that go on around them.
This is not a coincidence, or an accident resulting from being around someone who is unable to accept accountability. This is intentional. This puts the abuser in a position of power on so many levels. It becomes easier and easier to find reasons to be abusive. It becomes easier and easier to explain away abusive behavior. After all, if it was my fault you got in a fight with your parents, if it was my fault you lost your job, if it was my fault all those other times, maybe it was my fault we got into such a big fight it ended in assault. Maybe I am just as much to blame as he/she is. Right? That doubt, that moment of wondering if it was your own fault that you got abused, is a direct result of being told that everything is your fault. This is the end game for them. This is the goal. To be able to cause you to blame yourself for their abuse. When they get that, in their eyes, they have won. Odds are you will not leave. Instead, you will sit there wondering what you did to make someone assault you . . .
Am I Crazy?
"What is wrong with me? Why am I missing a guy who emotionally and verbally abused me? In some weird kind of way do I like being mistreated? Because what is there to miss . . ."
Heartbreaking. In one word, my reaction is that this is heartbreaking. Yet again, the question focuses on her. She wants to know what is wrong with her. More importantly, she asks herself a question some people may have wanted to ask a victim before. "Do I like being mistreated?" Hold that thought . . .
We have all heard the comment, or at least some version of it. "Well she must not mind, she stays." It's cold, it's uninformed, and it could not be farther from the truth. There is something called the Illusory Truth Effect (Affirmations) that states that ideas that we are exposed to and hear often are easier to believe. And narcissists will capitalize on this fact. Victims who are verbally abused and berated suffer a huge blow to their self esteem.
Abraham Maslow theorized long ago that we as humans have a hierarchy of needs. When basic needs are met, we can then focus on higher needs, such as self esteem, which he theorized must be achieved in order to reach self actualization. When living with an abuser, and having blow after blow damage your self esteem, self actualization, or the desire to achieve more for one self, becomes impossible. We fixate on our current need, which will never be satisfied in such a toxic environment.
It is important to remember that "normal" is relative. Normal is just what we are used to. Once a victim of abuse starts believing the vile that is thrown at them, and their self esteem has been minimized, it then becomes normal to live in those circumstances. Gas lighting becomes common place. Webster defines gas lighting as "to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity." For someone who has never experienced this, it may be hard to understand, so allow me to share some of what I personally went through with gas lighting. It would start small. Telling me I moved something I did not move, or telling me I did not say or do something I know I did. By being so insistent about insignificant things, over time, I started to question my own judgement. As it does with abuse, it got worse over time. One time, he broke a full bottle of vodka over my head. The bottle smashed and soaked the couch, and I had a huge lump on my head for days. The next day, when he saw the couch he asked why it was stained. When I reminded him that he smashed a bottle over my head, he coolly replied "There's no way it broke on your head, it would have knocked you out, it hit the wall or something, don't be dramatic." Don't. Be. Dramatic. Kinda like asking "but did you die?"
Once you question your own judgement, you inherently look to someone else to validate you at all times. Suddenly the confident and smart person you were needs to look to your abuser before you can even believe what you see with your own eyes. You become dependent on them for affirmation. And they are more than happy to give it, knowing you need it from them. Now this is your normal. You no longer trust yourself, and need your abuser in order to feel a sense of security in what you know. So what happens when you leave that sense of security?
The same thing that happens when you take a child's blanket. They feel lost, anxious, unsure, scared, and they desperately want their security back. It is human nature to cling to the known and shy away from the unknown. It is survival. What we know may be scary sometimes, but the unknown is always scary, especially when you have been conditioned not to trust yourself. So now let's take a look at what happens to someone who has been conditioned in this way when they decide to leave their abuser.
When someone is lucky enough to have somewhere to go, it is important to realize that every single thing about their life is changing at once. Their home, their bed, their daily routine, their confirmation from their abuser. All of it changes in the blink of an eye. On top of that, most of the time, these people have no idea what they will do next. Remember, we are often talking about someone who has lost their sense of self, and their ability to trust what they are capable of. These victims often come from a place where they are being financially controlled, and are completely dependent on their abusers. So let's think about what that actually feels like. Follow me here . . . You can not call your parents. They have helped you time and time again, and cannot financially continue, or emotionally continue, because they see you constantly returning to your abuser. You cannot call family.
You have destroyed all of your friendships. You have left and gone back so often that people no longer listen when you speak, and your friends have stopped calling and coming around for one reason or another. The few you do have cannot help because they are not in the position to take you in, in reality, how many people ARE in the position to help someone while they get on their feet? Not many. Ok, family and friends are out, but I'm not done. You also do not have a car, because a year ago it was cheaper or more convenient to have it in your abusers name, and now you cannot legally get it back. Great.
But no car is no problem because you don't have a job. Why not? Pick one:
~Abuser cost you your job by refusing to let you go in
~ Abuser cost you your job by making a scene while you worked
~ Abuser made it impossible to meet schedule demands.
~Abuser told you that you cannot/should not work
~Abuser beat you up an hour before shift and you got fired for being a no show
Anyway, you don't have a job either. So, you found a shelter, or a friend's couch. Perfect. You're out. But now you are out, broke, with no car, no job, no car to get to a job if you get a job, no support system, and you are left to reflect on your own. You look at the future and have no idea what you will do. Your friend comes home and today, it's fun you are here, and they understand, but next week, your shit is on the floor, and there is no end in sight, and the tension, real or imagined, gives you anxiety. After all, you still think you are undeserving, constantly to blame, and less than. The person you are living with is not your partner. This is not your home. You do not have a home. The cost of a home, an apartment, rent, security, whatever, is in the thousands. The mountain seems so very high. And there is nobody there to tell you it will be ok. Nobody there to guide you through your day with their expectations. Here is where one of two things will happen. You will contact your abuser, or they will contact you. Every single time. And here is where we all make the same mistake.
You see familiarity. You are presented with every "comfort" you no longer have. And your abuser, that same person who hurt you so badly, is now reformed. Because losing you made them see the light, don't you know?? They miss you. Baby, they are so sorry, and hate that you are unhappy. Let's talk about it, maybe we can work on this, I can change!
Suddenly there is an option other than the unknown. And your conditioning, the tangible part of your brain that has adjusted to years of abuse tells you to reach for that source of comfort. Your human nature casts aside it's need for self actualization, and reverts to satisfying the most basal of needs. Shelter, food, a bed, comfort, predictability. We stop worrying about higher needs and think that on some level, we need to satisfy these needs in the most unhealthy of ways, we need to go back. We want our blankie back, now. And that is how you end up going right back, almost every time.
Even when we know. Even when we are gone and want to be gone and know that this is so very wrong, we want to go back. Because at least there, I am not depending on someone's charity to survive. At least there, I have a bed, and I have my own space, and I am not an interloper in someone else's life, for what feels like what will be an eternity. And look, my abuser is being so nice now! Maybe they realized how much they do love me, and things will be different. And they are. For a week, maybe a month, things are so great. Until they are just so good. Until they are just crap again. Until the next time you leave, and it all starts over again. No, there is nothing wrong with you, no you do not like it, but odds are, you will go back.
He is in love already?
"Hey guys, I must sound pathetic but I can't bear seeing my ex-narc in love . . . I don't know how to heal or deal with it . . .I still love him, how do I get over him, I cannot stop thinking about it."
Well of course you can't. That's his point. He is not in love now, just like he was not in love with you. The only person he is in love with, is himself. And you, nor anyone else will change that. This is one of their favorite games. You are replaceable to them, to an extent. There will always be a back up for when you leave, and although that back up would never stay as long as we have, and although he will never abuse them like he did you, you will compare yourself to them. You will wonder if you are the reason they abused you and are so wonderful with someone new. You will wonder why they could take what feels like lessons they learned with you and apply them to another relationship. You will be jealous, and lonely, and you will feel abandoned and replaced. And you will want them back. Which is exactly why they do what they do, and make it known they are "moving on". Because it makes you want them, it gives them all of the power, and makes them the hero for taking you back.
What you do not realize, is that this new "relationship" may as well be called the Titanic because that ship was built to sink. Their new attitude will only last so long. They will slip, out of anger or jealousy, and they will show their true character. And 9 times out of 10, the person they were so wonderful to is now packing their bags. Or, even worse, they have found a new victim. This is a power play. It may not be conscious the first time, either. Their need for another victim may come from a place of insecurity or inability to be alone, and seeing how it makes you pliable is just a bonus for them. But do not think for one moment that they will not in the future use this knowledge to their advantage. They will.
It is not unreasonable to be upset when you see someone who treated you so poorly treat another person with respect and kindness. It is natural to want to make sense of it. To place blame. And who are we used to blaming for everything? Yes! You remember, it is ourselves! I can see you are starting to catch on to how we think. I appreciate that. The girl asking this question is not pathetic. She is experiencing a normal reaction to a situation that nobody should have to react to. She is trying to make sense of the illogical. She is playing his game in the way he has taught her to play. She does not love him. She has been trained to think she needs him, is undeserving of him, and she has no idea how to compartmentalize what she has been through. She is not pathetic, she is a victim, who desperately needs to be heard, understood, and told that she will be OK very soon.
Last, but certainly not least
"I am so glad I have this group to vent to, my so-called friends would just laugh at me."
Yeah, this is basically how we feel, guys. We see you. We hear you. Listen, we are someone who lives in an environment similar to a war zone, OK? We spend every moment of every day interpreting someone else's mood based on minimal verbal or physical cues. Some of us can feel your judgement and thoughts as clearly as you can feel the wind in your hair. We see your eyes, in the split second before your self control tells you to make them do something other than judge us. We see the skepticism, we see the blame, we see the apathy, and we feel it. We feel it harder than most, and it stops us in our tracks.
This is where we can all make a change, without having to open our home to someone getting on their feet, because most of us just cannot do something like that, as much as we may want to. Here is what you can do. If you do not understand someone's situation, ask them. Tell them you want to understand and ask them to talk to you, without telling them what you think they should do. Rather, ask them if they want advice, or if in this moment, they just need someone to understand. Then remember their answer before you continue. There is so much about their situation, their mentality, and their cycle of violence that you do not understand. All we do need to understand is that unless we provide an open and understanding environment for these victims, they will continue to suffer. It is not ours to understand, if we cannot. Most of us are glad you cannot understand, because it means you have never been in this situation. We would not wish this on anyone. But what we do wish, is that you would take just a second, to try to understand. Change your perspective. Rather than try to understand it, know that you do not have to understand it to acknowledge that the social environment needs to change. I hope we can all agree that social media should not be the only place these women feel safe enough to speak about what they are going through. The only way to change that is to change what we can. The only thing we can truly change, is ourselves. Be open, be honest, be understanding, and be present. Help spread awareness of what DV truly is and how you can help by creating a safe place for open discussion.
Please and thank you.
References
“Affirmations and the Illusory Truth Effect | Dr. Lauren Deville, Naturopathic Doctor - Tucson, AZ.” Dr. Lauren Deville, 2 Nov. 2018, www.drlaurendeville.com/articles/affirmations-and-the-illusory-truth-effect/.